Andare, Partire, Tornare

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The Publisher's Clearing House van should have a dentist along for the ride

Caerula's entry really struck a chord in me. It feels like Bemo and I have been living paycheck to paycheck for too many years now. I thought that a lot of that would end after I got out of school, but Bemo's consistently precarious job situation, combined with my student loans, credit cards, and car payment have seen to it that we rarely have anything in the bank. Her statement about being in debt but not living like they were is twice as true for us, I think. I don't have a huge urge to spend lots of money on, say, clothes and music, but we eat out too often for our own good. I want so badly to travel, but I can't save up enough cash to go across the country, let alone across the Atlantic. And Zee brought home this catalogue of "Equestrian Holidays" that brought tears to my eyes - what they described were perfect holidays for me. Trail rides through Tuscany, intensive tutoring in cross-country riding in Ireland, a Scottish program that lets you trail ride, shoot clays, and learn how to fly a falcon...I got choked up, I was so torn between wanting to go and knowing that it would not happen anytime soon.

Currently, I am short because I'm paying off a credit card. By April, I will have it entirely paid off, but then in June my student loan payments start again, which will eat up a big part of my check. And unless Bemo gets steady work, the burden of it will be on me. At least he's working - but I do feel resentful from time to time. However, I'm not laboring under the many and various burdens that he does - despite my mom's best efforts, I don't have the mental health problems that he does. Mental health problems sounds so dire - let me specify. Bemo is manic-depressive. He's got it fairly well under control, but some of the side effects of it are things like a short temper, frustration with certain types of tasks, and sometimes extended funks when all he wants to do is sleep. Thankfully, we haven't had one of those long funks in a while, because they're hard on everybody. As far as I can tell, his manic-depression has never had anything to do with his getting fired from a job, but it seems to be the only constant factor. I wonder if he gives off ...I don't know...some sort of body language that he's not aware of that makes him a target for firing.

Hmm, I think I may have discussed this in a past entry, and god forbid I repeat myself. But I may think about it a little bit more, and write more about it, because it is a huge factor in my life. For gods sake, all I want is to have enough money to pay off my bills - I'm not asking for a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. But I'll never win the lottery - I have all my teeth. Alas.

9:18 p.m. - 2002-02-05

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